To the beautiful person that I get the honor of calling my mother, 

I am so proud of you.

I am even more proud to be your daughter. You are rooted deep within my soul. I see the resilience you taught me whenever I am pushed down by the world and don’t know how to get up. I see the kindness you showed me anytime I compliment random strangers while passing by them. I hear your words come out of my mouth whenever I tell my friends to “keep their perspective” after crying over a boy who broke their heart. I have you to thank for the person I am today. Especially given the circumstances now. 

You are being faced with something that not one person on this earth would ever ask for. How does one learn how to be okay with the uncontrollable? How does one learn to be okay after a doctor took their life away? 

I am a big believer that everything happens for a reason. Anytime something negative happens in my life I remind myself of the trust I have toward the universe and tell myself that everything will work out just how it is supposed to. 

But for the first time in my 20 years of living, I find myself questioning that idea. I find myself questioning everything I know. None of this makes sense and I don’t think it ever will. 

Mom, you have lived a full life filled with many struggles. You only deserve nothing but peace and fulfillment now, but instead you are facing your life’s greatest demon. And I need you to win. I need you to please, for me. 

This is your chance to teach me another lesson, that we can get through anything. We will get through this together. 

I remember the last time I saw you standing before anything happened, you dropped me off in Isla Vista and helped me move into my house. The last thing you said to me before flying back home was “we did it”. We were holding on so tightly to one another while tears were flowing out of each other’s eyes. I will always hold this memory dearly to me because of how raw and genuine it was. 

You are still the person you were before you got sick. I know sometimes you feel like you’re not, but I promise you are. You are still the strong and independent person you were when you held me for the first time. 

When I was younger you would always tell me that if I was a one flower in a whole field of flowers, you would pick me. That I was your “miracle baby”. But you are my miracle. I wouldn’t be where I am in life if it wasn’t for you. You are the reason I am still alive breathing. Let me be your reason. 

If you are feeling suffocated, take my breath.

If you feel like you can’t get up, take my strength. 

If you are feeling tired, take my energy. 

I love you and we will be okay.